Coles Girls Exposed

Leesa Alopecia and Lysa Nads (checkout chicks by day - checkout chicks by night) have made names for themselves in Melbourne.  Judy Connelly was heard to say “the songs in this show truly conveyor emotion”, David Cambell suggested that they’d be perfect for the Brisbane Cabaret Festival and a reviewer from The Un-Australian newspaper noticed their “nice cans”. 

Not content to rest on their pasta achievements, these two beauties - described as “the love child(ren) of Little Britain and Kath and Kim” - are set to have Adelaide audiences laughing in the aisles when they present Coles Girls as part of Adelaide Fringe 2010. They both graciously agreed to speak to Cabaret Confessional.

Leesa Alopecia

You’re both already checkout celebrities in Melbourne. What made you decide to try to take over the grocery industry in Adelaide as well?

LEESA ALOPECIA

I wouldn’t call myself a celebrity, more of a checkout Tragic!

Coming to Adelaide was our boss’ idea he thought that between the two of us we could open a supermarket franchise here in South Australia, but apparently Woolworths thought of that first. 

LYSA NADS

I’ve been totally checked out by every guy (and several women) in Melbourne and I desperately needed new customers for my bargain basement. Sure I’m no frills but I am all thrills and it’s only fair that I share a part of myself with South Australia. 

It was also cheaper to bring my caravan here than Sydney.

How did you get into the business? Do you have any supermarket qualifications?

LYSA

Working here was obvious. I’d heard the Supermarket was a great place to meet potential husbands and now by working here, I get to scan the Man as I scan the brands. There really are no qualifications for working in a Supermarket like this one. It is true what they say… Less Is More. Therefore i give so much by just being myself and not giving a toss. Customers love me for that. They’re often lost for words after meeting me.

Lysa Nads 

You’re setting up business at the Star Theatres on Sir Donald Bradman Drive.  What can customers expect when they shop at your store?

LEESA 

They can expect integrity, honesty, strong family values, a sense of pride and good taste to certainly be swept aside! Shopping at any of the stores I work in has always been an experience for the shoppers; not necessarily a good one. In our line of business the customer is not always right, but the price is!

LYSA

I think that’s best summed up by our store’s motto “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.”

I gather you are ardent TV viewers. What shows are you looking forward to in 2010 as the rating season begins?

LEESA

With the new Channel 99-GO station I am hoping that reruns of Blue Heelers are just around the corner. That Johns Wood is so hot! Obviously anything with Lisa McCune is a given and I will be watching the Biggest Loser this year to get fashion tips from the before photos.

LYSA

TV is my life! It’s where dreams come true and where we all first met Lisa McCune, our beloved Gold Logie Goddess.

2010 brings a whole world of entertainment potential with shows like ‘Cougar Town’ with Ms Cox (obviously inspired by myself), but I may be holding a protest and banning myself from TV until my friend Leesa Alopecia is accepted as a contestant on ‘Dance Your Ass Off.’

If you were ever immortalised in a feature film or midday tv movie, who would you want to play your character on screen?

LEESA

Whilst the obvious answer is probably Rikki Lake, I am hoping that with a little more of weight loss, Kathleen Turner will play me. But only if she loses the weight. 

LYSA

It’s obvious that I would be played by Lisa McCune as it looks like we were practically separated at after birth. I would be pleased to let Lisa play me on TV or on the big screen. It could be her motion picture break out role. I’m humble enough to say I am the role of a lifetime.

Venue: Star Theatres - Theatre Two

4-7 March @ 9.30pm

9-12 March @ 7.30pm

13 March @ 5.00 and 7.30pm

Adult $22.50/Fringe Benefits $20

Book at FringeTIX (1300-FRINGE) or click here.

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like these previous entries:

The Upright Holiday Revue

Teach Me Tonight - Performing with Liza Minnelli

International Cabaret Conference at Yale University

Other cabaret shows featured in Adelaide Fringe 2010:

Chillie Nights 

Ali McGregor in ‘Jazz Cigarette’

Nikki Aitken Presents - Cabaret Live and Kicking

Last of the Red Hot Mamas

Update on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 8:55AM by Matthew Carey

…a lot of fun - and and very, very Australian

Coles Girls reviewed here by Jamie Wright.